They can be cranky and cantankerous, but church wouldn’t be the same without our elders. Here are 10 things we can expect from the more mature folks in our congregations.
Drive the van
There could be a host of men in their 30s and 40s in the church, yet it’s always 65-year-old Deacon Thomas who is tasked with driving the church van. He’s done it for the past 20 years and he’s not about to stop now.
Wear a hat
Elder women have no time for fancy fascinators – that’s new school nonsense for young people. Wide brimmed hats, complete with feathers or sequins is how they roll. Heaven help whoever is sitting behind them.
Raise a chorus before their testimony
You’d think that sharing a story of how God spared her after she was stung by a bee would be powerful enough. But Sister Glyn just will not share her story until she’s sung Jesus Paid It All – a few times over. And even then, she will still…
Take too long to testify
Pastor will always make it clear that “time is against us,” and urge the congregation to keep their testimonies short. But Sister Glyn will give you the entire run-up to what happened when “the wicked bee did decide to tek set on me” – and then end the testimony with another chorus. Oh, and then – of course – she will…
Give you a chance to get to know the Lord
Sister Glyn just wouldn’t feel satisfied if she didn’t round off her testimony by inviting “anyone who doesn’t know the Lord” to come to the altar and “accept the Lord” right here and now.
Have their Bible
Any young person that comes to church and forgets their Bible will be fine if they sit behind Sister Joyce. She will always hand her Bible over to a young person in need, because church elders…
Know their scriptures
Sister Joyce doesn’t really need her Bible, because she has memorised it from cover to cover. Ask her where you’ll find the verse “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” and she’ll respond “Psalms 27, verse 1” without taking a breath. Sister Joyce knows her Bible. End of.
Know old hymns
Them ‘new school’ choruses are all well and good. But if you need someone to raise When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder, What A Friend or We’ll Understand It All By and By, you’re best bet is to ask an elder.
Have a tambourine at gravesides
While family and friends mourn their dearly departed, an elder will be on hand to remind them that the occasion should be a celebration of life – and one will always produce a tambourine to provide the rhythm as fellow elders belt out a passionate rendition of Across the Bridge.
Have something to sell
If you want to make a quick exit after service is over, make sure you avoid Sister Hyacinth – she always has something to sell. Homemade sorrel, cake, drops – catch Sister Hyacinth and you won’t leave without buying her goods.
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