Lusted for or listened to?

Is it more important that your partner finds you sexually desirable or listens to your opinion?

“My husband is forever squeezing my bum! He thinks it’s my best asset and it often feels like he can’t get enough of me. I’m not complaining; I love knowing that after two years of marriage, almost 11 years together and three kids together, he still finds me sexually desirable.”

It’s a perfectly understandable point of view. Who wouldn’t want their partner to find them physically desirable?


Sexual attraction: is it essential in a relationship? 

But as 33-year-old Lisa Johnson shared her sexy sentiments with Dates4Us, it got us thinking: just how important is it to the married mother-of-three for her husband to have such lust for her?

For example, would she choose that over her spouse listening to her advice and valuing her opinion?

“I probably would,” Lisa admitted. “I don’t have a problem with my husband turning to other people for advice, but I would have a huge problem with him lusting after other women. So yeah, I’d take the lust – he’s got plenty of family and friends he can turn to for a shoulder to cry on!”

Men talking

Some people prefer to turn to friends, rather than their partner, for advice

It’s the age-old debate of body vs. mind. For women in particular, there is often a sense of pressure on her to ensure that she is valued by the opposite sex for her intellect and her opinions.

Whether it’s in the workplace or in a relationship, women have long been urged to earn respect through her brains. Heaven forbid she should shun the feminist struggle and only strive to be valued for her boobs, bum or other body parts.

body brains

Which is of greater importance in a relationship?

But in amongst the criteria that has long been purported as the ‘proper’ basis for a solid relationship – respect, trust, shared values, etc ­– have we failed to put similar emphasis on sexual desire?

Are there many relationships like Lisa’s, where couples are entirely happy because sexual desire is of utmost importance to both parties? And is there anything wrong with that?


Lust is a must for many people in their relationship

In a bid to get people’s thoughts on the ‘lusted for vs. listened to’ debate, the Dates4Us team decided to canvas the opinions of both men and women. Here’s what people told us:


Steven, 31

His choice: lusted for

As men, traditionally speaking, we’re the ‘chasers’; we’re the ones who tend to approach the woman to express an interest and very often – let’s be honest – it’s in the hope of making the relationship physical. So to be in a relationship where your wife/girlfriend finds you sexually desirable and enjoys being intimate with you – without you having to beg for it – I’d definitely take that over her listening to my advice. She can go to her friends for that!

Carol, 33

Her choice: listened to

As much as ‎lust is equally important, I feel that opinions being valued are essential for any long-term relationship to progress. Lust can be short-lived, and if need be, something that can be worked on if the other feels that they are not getting enough affection. However, if opinions cannot be shared, valued, challenged and accepted, then that could be problematic in making plans together in the future.


Sharing opinions is a necessity in many relationships


Michael, 40

His choice: listened to

For me, it’s much more important that my wife/girlfriend values me as a person than having lust for me. Lust is important if sex is your number one objective, but for me, I want the woman to be my lifelong partner; to grow with me. You need to respect each other in a big way for that to happen.


Dean, 29

His choice: lusted for

I don’t think it’s imperative for her to listen to my advice. In fact, I’d feel quite pressured if I knew my girlfriend was always relying on me to give her advice. I might not always be the best person to tell her what’s best for her to do in every given situation. But I’d definitely want her to find me sexually desirable.


How important is sexual desire?

Paul, 49

His choice: listened to

I’d much rather she value my opinions and thoughts as there is nothing more spiritual and fulfilling than two minds coming together. A shared problem or issue rectified or clarified by one’s partner is an experience shared during love making, and comfort and a sense of security makes for passionate intercourse. Looks don’t tell you how a person will cope with the tribulations of life. They might look good but can they hold down a job? Can they cook? Looks are temporary, as is lust. But shared experiences and understanding can last forever.

Jordan, 36

His choice: listened to

I want both! But if I can only have one, it would be for her to turn to me for advice rather than anyone else. Ultimately, I think that’s more important.

Couple talking

Some want to be a shoulder to cry on for their partner

Chantelle, 31

Her choice: listened to

I’d want to know that he would turn to me for advice. Physical attributes fade, whereas intellectual compatibility doesn’t.


Jennifer, 36

Her choice: lusted for

I think it’s a shame that women today have almost been made to feel like being sexy isn’t important because the reality is, no man is going to initially approach a woman for her intellect. And once you’re in a relationship, if you start taking your physical appearance for granted, that’s when the chance of infidelity becomes a real possibility. It might sound good to say ‘he loves me for my mind’, but in my experience, that’s a farce. So yeah, I’d want my man to find me sexually desirable. The rest can be worked on, but if there’s no physical desire, what’s the point?

Kerry, 40

Her choice: listened to

Had you asked me that question 5-10 years ago, I would’ve said I’d rather my partner have mad lust for me. But having been in a 10-year relationship and gone through life-changing experiences, challenges, the kind of stuff that all couples go through, I would definitely say now I would rather my partner valued my opinion, and love me for my mind and spirit. At the end of the day, when you pile on the post-pregnancy pounds, the boobs start to head down south and the early signs of ageing start to appear under your eyes, your non-physical connection is what will bind your relationship together and make it last the distance.


Hannah, 31

Her choice: lusted for

That’s easy: I want lust all day, every day!  For me, it’s not important that my other half and I share the same opinions, in fact I like a bit of intelligent banter in my relationship and I can live with conflicting ideologies. But I couldn’t live with a man who doesn’t find me attractive or didn’t want sex. If I wanted someone to give advice to, I’d call my best friend.


What do you think? Is it more important to be lusted for or listened to? Tell us what you think!

If you’re looking for a new relationship, join today. Love – and lust – could be waiting for you ❤

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